Knowing me too well, not working didn't seem like a sensible option for my other half and I was encouraged to think seriously about handing in my notice without anything else to go to. A little while later I did anyway (WOOPS!!! MY BAD!!!) and promised I would dedicate myself 110% to setting up a small business which I could manage from home, allowing me to have a much better work/life balance. Something that I am fully aware many parents strive for every single day. It's an ongoing battle which we struggle with constantly BUT a battle worth fighting for because we want to GET IT RIGHT! It wouldn't be right for me to not work, as I explained in my first blog post, I do need to keep motivated and active. If challenged and creatively stimulated I love to work and looking at the bigger picture, to step away from work altogether for 2 years would probably be damaging to me as an individual. I have learned that there is no harm in admitting that as much as my children are my number one priority in every aspect of EVERYTHING, my self identity is crucial, not only for me but for them as well.
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Pumpkin Pie Face |
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Whadda a guy! :) |
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Absolutely love this happy Pelly! By Honey Bunny & Pumpkin Stationery, commissioned by the Pelican Fish and Chip Restaurant in Barnstaple. |
NOW what happened next was entirely circumstantial. Plans that were made prior to my deciding to start a business have caught up with me basically! Alas, I should have known it wouldn't all be plain sailing! A holiday with my mother to Sorrento, Italy came just as things were picking up. Which was totally incredible and I enjoyed it so much. We had the best time together, what a laugh! I'm very lucky to have a friend for a Mum. However, finding my feet after I returned was harder than I had anticipated. Obviously wanting to catch up on family time and embrace my 'abandoned by mother' children with all the love and time that I could give. Despite that actually they didn't even really care, they loved having boy time with Daddio. Next, during my absence my office space became a building site, something completely unavoidable. Yip, my savior space is under dust and furniture and grubby mess and my concentration just doesn't engage in there anymore. So, somehow with that my inspiration had taken a thump in the face.
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Me and my gorgeous Mum. |
WAIT THERE IS MORE...Earlier in the year I committed to directing a musical for the amateur dramatic society I belong too. Atlantic Coast Theatre. I am so excited to be taking on this role and to have the opportunity however it is a big task. It's moving speedily towards auditions now and the weight is getting heavier and heavier. FINALLY last week I travelled up to Edinburgh to attend a weeks training course, a Professional Diploma in Digital Marketing. Very very intense and before I went I didn't feel prepared at all. In fact I was experiencing the most horrendous headaches...probably from that weight on my shoulders getting more and more significant!!! Now that it is complete I am so pleased that I went, but with an exam to sit in a few weeks, I have some serious graft to do!
To cut a long story short, this morning I hit a hard place. Life is obviously full on with two small children at the best of times, especially with a husband working away frequently. If I am honest it's bloody lonely as well. Really lonely. Today was nursery day and I am ashamed to say that walking the two happy chappies down the road I was hiding tears beneath my sunglasses. Everything was crashing down from inside of me. My head space collapsing. Still excited from last nights Halloween activities, my eldest who will be 4 in February couldn't stop asking questions and jumping for glee every time he spotted a shriveling pumpkin on the neighbours doorsteps. I could barely muscle the energy to answer him. I felt very much like a sinking pumpkin myself.
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Super sad pumpkin face. |
When I got home I decided, this is OK, it was never going to be easy and there are things that should have been done differently. I have an exam to revise for, a house to keep together, a business to grow., THE SHOW MUST GO ON...BUT most importantly, I have two humans to take care of. This just won't do!
So what did I do??? I mopped...I tidied, I mopped some more, I cleaned the windows and unpacked my suitcase from last week which has been left abandoned on my bedroom floor for the last few days. THEN I went to my dear friends workplace where she had offered me the use of an empty office, here I could concentrate. What a difference. I actually focused, made lists and crossed things off lists and made some more. I SPOKE TO FRIENDS and said..."I cant do this without help" and they reassured me...Thank god for friends. I cleared space in my overly cluttered mind. Bit by bit, little by little I re-shelved. The grimy floors in the house were taking up space so I put them in a box and shelved them. Then I found a new hive and put my drifting mind into another storage container and filed that away, unpacking my suitcase...consider it archived. Making lists was like erecting shiny, new, very much needed storage space inside my tired head. And getting some work done was like putting clear labels onto all of those things. Cuddles before bedtime and having them fall asleep on me was me switching off the storage cupboard light and saying..."Good night, sleep tight, tomorrow is another day!". This is what I like to call the 'art of re-shelving ones head space'. Something that I think Ikea should be taking me up on!
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Bit by bit. Little by little. |
SO why oh why have I written this despairingly awful post??? Because, like the mopping, and the unpacking and list making, It feels good to clear space in ones head. I needed to vent! Apologies! It is OK to hit hurdles during the startup process of a business and it is OK to not always have your s*** together. Nobody said this was going to be easy. CRIPES it is OK to hit hurdles and find life hard even during general day to day stuff. This morning was crap, but I've bounced back, and I will continue to do so, because I am the eye of a Tiger!!!...OK...TOO MUCH!!!