Laying Down the Line - eHive is Born!

It's definitely a cliché but “In order for people to take you seriously, you need to begin by taking yourself seriously.” Coming from me, this is quite something. For the best part of my life I have pretty much been the biggest obstacle in it. An obstacle which indeed knows how to ruin a moment or a compliment without even knowing I'm doing it.

A couple of months ago I returned home from work and within a few minutes my 3 year old son approached me and asked “Mummy, are you happy?”. My immediate reaction to this was to lie, and say “Yes, of course, Mummy is happy”. To this, he smiled his biggest smile, the kind of smile that a parent yearns for, he grabbed the sides of my mouth with his chubby, dirty, waffle ketchup smelling hands and pulled upwards with all of his gentle strength. At this point I knew I resembled a sorrowful clown that had a happy face forced upon it. He looked me in the eyes and said “See Mummy, this is how you smile!”...it didn't take much more than this to know, some changes needed to be made, and it was going to be down to me to make them.

It's easy to get warped into a spiral of miseraballness, a word not entirely grammatically correct, but for now, miseraballness is the word we shall use to describe the bubble we experience just before breaking point. I know about depression. I've seen it, I've lived with it through family and friends and I know how to recognise the signs. Thankfully I have a little fight inside of me to recognise those signs. I know that unless control is taken, unless a conscious shift in patterns takes place, then things could spiral uncontrollably into a dark pit of numb, bare, bleakness.

We have all read the articles, the joys of being a stay at home Mum (and, actually this applies to fathers too). The self defying content that describes how staying at home looking after your children is the hardest and yet the most rewarding job on the planet and who on earth can argue with that? I certainly can't. It IS the most wonderful job and yet...the lack of personal space, the day shift that runs straight into the night shift, the inability to express ones wild side which was second nature before tiny fingers and toes came along. The endless hours wondering what happened to ones identity...it goes on and on and on. Nothing more so than the GUILT that comes with parenthood! As a new parent the GUILT that we feel. GUILT for ignoring the cries for more than 3 minutes, the GUILT for desperately needing time alone and the GUILT for wanting more...more than the company of your own children. What's not to be GUILTY about?

There is no greater privilege than having the advantage to stay at home with ones children. There is no question. Millions of women don't have that choice so to complain about it, to want anything else...selfishness? I thought so. I thought so for a long time. So much so that I have disliked myself for too long thinking that desiring more than being a full time mum should even enter my brain, my mind, my soul and now my face too! However, THANK GOD my little boy felt the need to remind me what a smile was, to make me realise how I was feeling inside was now seeping its way out of my pores and onto my exterior.

It's time to put things into perspective. My two amazing, beautiful, headstrong little bear cubs are the best part of me. Its unquestionable. When I am with them I cherish them, when I am not I miss them. They are my life, and yes...dare I say in it's cheesiest form, they are my sunshine! Yet, they are two human beings needing me, and so am I, I need me too. If I am happy then so are they.

I returned to work when my second son was a mere 12 months old, a fact of which I have felt GUILTY of for an entire year. The decision to do so based on my own sanity. With a husband that works away and denying post-natal depression, it seemed the best move. Time passed and things were not right, the juggle, the sacrifice of time, the GUILT of saying no to either my children or to work commitments. The balance was wrong. A new approach was needed.

I am what I am. Rightly or wrongly, I do not possess the character, the mind nor the stimulation to not work. I have to accept that it is not an option for me, I need to work in order to keep motivated. I have worked since I was 13 years old. Albeit, my first job was for £10 a day on a Saturday scraping up dog poop on the spookiest little dog breeding farm in Dundry with a chap that wore funny shoes...but it was work. The feeling of independence simply grew and grew from there. I like working. It doesn't make me an alien. It is simply who I am. But now I will erase all obstacles and make working, work for me and for my children! Now, I am the boss!

So, here I am. This week I have registered my new business, eHive Digital Marketing Ltd. I have secured my first client and I am more determined than I have been for an incredibly long time. I have had to stop and ask myself a few questions. If there were no obstacles, no barriers inside of my ever wandering mind, what would be my ultimate aim? My answer to this is simple, for my children to grow up with a mother who is happy, who makes them happy and to be recognised by them as a fun, creative and hard-working soul. That is all. Why can't I be what they need, and be what I need all at the same time? Well, it is time now to give it a darn good try. I know, as their mother, if I am happy then ultimately, they will be too. I want to walk through the door, and my son to be enlightened by my face, not worried by it.

To all mothers and fathers out there, no matter who you are, what you are and what your dreams are. Never let any preconceived ideas get in your way, and as I started with a cliché, let me at least end with one...always stay true to who you are and believe in it what you are doing!

The word GUILT is from now on forwards...RELEASED from my soul! 

My little rays of sunshine!